I’ve written and rewritten this blog three times, each version a different topic. Each month, I struggle to find the words to update you all because my hope in writing each blog is that I point back to Jesus above all else. I definitely don’t want to talk about how hard and messy things are here sometimes. Who wants to be vulnerable on the internet? Certainly not me. But honestly, this isn’t a glorious, picture perfect life we’re living here.
Lord, I come to you weary and worn out. I feel like I’m a slave to the service that supposedly is for You, but it doesn’t feel like it is. My responsibilities have taken priority over my time with you and I fight with every ounce of strength I have left to not let them, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to put them in their rightful place. It feels like my burdens have overtaken me. My body is exhausted by the stress, the pressure, the weight of it all. Sometimes it feels like the air is even too heavy to breathe in. My ankles swell from being on my feet for a vast majority of my day. My neck and shoulders are knotted with stress. Caring for this temple you gave me is more than I can handle most days. Sometimes showering and brushing my teeth feel like a chore too big to take on at the end of the day. Even texting my family that I miss dearly is daunting. They have no idea what I’m even walking through. They have no idea the extent of my trouble sleeping. They have no idea the mental, spiritual, and physical state I’m in, but I don’t have the energy to explain it to them or to anyone. Even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have the words. God, is this really what You want for me? Surely You didn’t create me to feel this way, especially not while being in ministry. What are You teaching me in this season? Where even are You in this season? I feel like I’m trying to run to You in everything and search for You, but I can’t even seem to grasp the hem of your cloak. My mind knows You haven’t left me, but my heart hasn’t felt your nearness in quite some time. Hold me, Jesus. I have no more strength left in me.
This is a prayer I wrote a few weeks ago. I try so hard to avoid talking about the hard things. But if there’s one thing I detest, it’s when Christians (in their best intentions) tie pretty words up in pretty bows and act like they have it all together when life feels like it’s falling apart behind closed doors. So, I’m going to choose to be vulnerable even though it isn’t very pretty.
For quite some time I have been struggling with burnout. To write that in a blog feels shameful.
No one talks about the shame you feel being burnt out in ministry. Or maybe they do and I just haven’t found those conversations yet. I haven’t shared much in my blogs, but if you’ve been keeping up, maybe you’ve caught on to when I’ve alluded to it or you’ve even seen it first-hand if you have visited San Juan recently.
I try my best to share what the Lord is teaching me in each blog, but if I’m honest, lately it has felt like He’s forgotten about me. It feels like no matter how much I try to seek Him and cry out to Him, I continue to be spiritually and physically parched, searching for a Living Water I thought was flowing in me. Kelsi and I attended a women’s conference in the capital a few weeks ago, but it was hard to listen to some of the pretty words tied up in pretty bows. It’s not that I disagreed with anything they were saying, but from the view of my current season, a lot of it felt so shallow. It felt like these women haven’t felt the brokenness I’m currently feeling. Or if they have at some point, they’ve forgotten how suffocating it actually feels in the day to day. And the things they were saying were very hard for me to relate to in this season.
These past several months (I would even dare say the last year) has been extremely difficult to say the least. There are many factors that have made it difficult that would be too much to list or explain. But somehow along the way, I have gotten to a place where the most minimal tasks feel like the entire world is collapsing on top of me. My body, mind, and heart are exhausted and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. And I’m ashamed to admit all of this, but I can’t keep trying to make things seem prettier than they are right now.
I know God is working in this season even though I can’t see it or understand it. I know in my mind that He hasn’t abandoned me even though it’s been so long since I truly felt His presence. But it’s hard to rest in those truths when they don’t seem to help me combat what I’m walking through.
I think back a lot to my first few months as guesthouse host. I had a great rhythm of working and resting in the Lord. My prayer and devotional life was so much more consistent and rich. But after a lot of transition and taking on more responsibilities, sweet time with the Lord began to feel like a dream that was way out of reach. I often pray that I can get back to a rhythm like that and that life would just slow down. I long so much for slowness and stillness, but I never can seem to get into a pace that’s sustainable no matter how much I try.
This morning at church, we sang a song called Me Rindo de Nuevo (Resurrender). We’ve sung this song a million times, but one line jumped out at me today. It said, “Lo que Te damos Tu restauraras.”
“What we give You, You will restore.”
God is the God of redemption. What we lay at His feet, He is faithful to restore. I know this and believe this full well. I know that God will restore this season at some point. I don’t know how or when, but I know He is faithful.
When I was talking to one of our pastors’ wives about how I was feeling a few months ago, she asked me what I would say to someone if they came to me struggling with these same things.
I would say:
- You’re not alone in feeling this. Not today and not throughout history. I relate so much to David because even though he was known as the man after God’s own heart, he still struggled with very similar things and the Bible doesn’t shy away from that. In fact various psalmists wrote about similar experiences, not just David. And the Lord gave us those raw, messy words on the pages so we could continue to praise Him just like David and the psalmists did in the midst of anxiety, chaos, burnout, heartache, etc. These words also teach us that we can pour our hearts out to God – the good, the bad, and the ugly – but not to get caught in the downward spiral of thinking on those things. Instead, it gives us an example of honestly expressing how we feel to the Lord, then taking our thoughts captive to the Truth of who God is and who we are because of Him. Some of my favorite Psalms are 13, 42, 46, 62, 63, and 121. I would encourage anyone who is going through a season like this to read through the book of Psalms.
- Go to God in His Word and keep going to it. Even if it feels like you’re getting nothing out of it in the moment. His Word never comes back empty. So continue to meditate on it every chance you get.
- As earth-shattering as this season may feel, it is only a season. This too, shall pass. As counter-intuitive as this may seem, don’t wish it away. The Lord is up to something incredible in the breaking and the crushing. Don’t shy away from the season He’s called you to. Instead, lean into it and fervently ask the Lord what He is teaching you in this season. Invite Him into every crack and crevice of your brokenness and ask Him to heal your heart from the inside out.
- Write down your prayers and pour out your heart, holding nothing back. When you go back and read prayers from the last few days, weeks, or months, this will help you to visualize how the Lord is moving in the midst of all of this internal angst as you’re walking through it.
- Find small things each day to thank the Lord and praise Him for. Some days it may be no more than the sun hitting your skin just right or wildflowers on the side of the road. But challenge yourself every day to find something to be thankful for and praise the Lord for it with all you’ve got.
I know all of these things are easier said than done. Trust me. This is the exact advice I would give to someone else facing the circumstances I am, but I’m currently not doing too well at taking my own advice. It is a fight to actually put into practice the things that seem so easy in theory.
As an SRI staff, we have been studying the book of John. I decided to do a deeper study of it on my own using the Daily Grace study called “Come and See: An Invitation to Know and Trust Jesus More Than Ever Before.” A few weeks ago, we talked about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish. John 6:9 really stood out to me. It was a part of the story that I guess I’ve always glazed over. Andrew says, “There’s a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish – but what are they for so many?” Andrew had to have some faith that Jesus could use that to even bring such an insignificant amount of resources up in the conversation. But in the same breath he says, “But what are they for so many?” God doesn’t ask us to figure everything out to carry out what He’s called us to. He’s asked us to offer up what little we have in faith and he will multiply it into an overflowing abundance. The text later says that once everyone had eaten until they were full, they collected leftovers. If Jesus could abundantly feed 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish, imagine what He can do with what little I have to offer Him when I, in faith, lay it at His feet. I offer up my, “Here’s my little bit of strength left, but what is that for such a difficult season?”
And as Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish, He will also multiply the small moments I put into practice in faith and He will do that for You too. We may feel parched, but may relentlessly pursue the Living Water in this dry season.
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November highlights:
- We have pretty much wrapped up sponsor student updates! Woohoo!
- I sent all of my documentation in to apply for my visa. Hopefully I will hear soon if I was approved or not.
- We went to a women’s conference at the International Baptist Church in Santo Domingo. Although as I mentioned some of the speakers were hard to relate to, I did enjoy the time there and I hope to be able to participate in more women’s conferences and events as that is something I dearly miss being a part of in the States.
- Kelsi and I hosted a Wicked part 1 watch party with our friends before she and I went to watch Wicked For Good. I painted a skyline of the Emerald City, our friend Juario painted the Wizard, and Kelsi and Bianca made charcuterie boards of the yellow brick road!
- Kelsi and I spent another weekend in the Colonial Zone in a 515 year old building which was the home of the first governor of the Santo Domingo colony, Nicolas de Ovando. We were supposed to have gone to the national theatre to watch the Cuban National Ballet, but the event was cancelled because 8 of the dancers had gotten the Zika virus. So I was bummed about that. But thankfully, Wicked For Good finally made it to Caribbean Cinemas, so we were able to watch it in the capital (as opposed to having to drive another hour and a half from the capital to see it in Bonao which was originally the only theater to get the licensing agreement). We ate some good food and explored some of my favorite places!
Prayer requests:
- My Grandma Betty – she fell and broke her hip. She had surgery yesterday and is recovering. Prayers for continued healing and recovery.
- Restful sleep
- Healing from burnout
- Rhythms of prayer, rest, and time with the Lord
